You can't choose your family
by mml94
Summary: Helen Rider only ever cheated once...The only good that came of it was her son, Alex. She resolves not to tell John he's not the father and Alex's life plays out in a very, very interesting way...Rating may change further in.YassenxXxHelen
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Alex Rider series. **

New idea, got it while reading the first book. Actually quite pleased with myself. This is just the intro chapter, that's why it's so short. Hope you enjoy and don't forget to review and tell me what you think.

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I stared down at the plain, cheap pregnancy test cradled in my hands. I stared imploringly at the inanimate object, silently pleading with it. Please don't be blue. The grim irony of it rushed around my head. 

How many times had I sat on this toilet, praying for a blue? Lord knows it wasn't for lack of trying. Every time John came home, we were at it like crazy. John would make such a good father.

But the last time he came he'd brought his student. It had been two hours after he'd arrived and he'd gone again, whisked away on urgent business.

I was mad, angry my husband had left me yet again. I drank far too much and all I remembered of that night was piercing blue eyes, soft, smooth arms around me and the taste of cherries.

I woke up the next morning to find his legs tangled with mine and his arms around my waist, him lying in the bed I-John and I slept in, staring at the ceiling. He never said anything, he just left. But he wasn't drunk that night. I knew it. I was and he wasn't.

Was I a diversion or did he really feel something for me?

Did he leave because he was scared I'd scorn him or because if John had walked in he'd have been disappointed?

I guessed I'd never know.

But please god, don't let it be blue. If it wasn't, I'd never play away again.

I promised that to a god I didn't even believe in. And what good did it do me?

I looked down and was greeted by a blue as piercing as his eyes. I barely had time to lurch to my feet and lift the toilet seat before vomit exploded from my mouth and into the toilet.

What on Earth would I tell John?

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	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Alex Rider series**

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I turned over and sighed again for what felt like the eighth time that night.

"What's wrong?" asked John sleepily, wrapping his arms around me. He made me feel so safe. But I felt dirty now. I'd taken to spending long periods of time in the bath trying to wash away the feeling of uncleanness. It had been two weeks since I'd taken the test. It was time to tell him.

"John, darling I-I'm late this month" I said quietly. I felt his back stiffen and he drew in a sharp breath.

"I-I think our family is about to begin" I said softly.

I heard John exhale and I turned over to face him. He kissed me gently on the cheek and softly nipped my ear.

I nuzzled into his neck, his calm breathing soothing me so I felt I could fall asleep for the first time in the last two weeks.

"I love you Helen" he said breathily.

I nodded and closed my eyes, tired of thinking, tired of feeling, tired of knowing.

Too tired to think of the lies I'd just told.

I just fell into sleep and it welcomed me with open arms.

* * *

"Are you sure you're comfortable?" asked John anxiously.

I frowned. I loved him very, very much but his constant adjusting of my pillows was starting to irritate me.

"I'm fine" I muttered through clenched teeth.

"Oh, Helen, did I mention that Yassen said he'd come over and stay the next few days? Yeah, he wanted to be here for the birth, said he wanted to come see you and be there when his godson's born. I said 'of course'. I mean, we are making him the godfather, right?" he said, smiling at me.

I swore that just for a minute, my heart stopped. But I couldn't say Yassen couldn't be there, could I? Unless I was clever about it... God, what had this turned me into?????

I chose my next words very carefully.

"Honey, I know you're really excited about the birth, I am too. And I know Yassen is one of your best friends, like a nephew, maybe closer. But having your best friend staring at my you-know-what while a little person is shooting out of it is not my idea of a good time" I said.

John smiled and cocked his head. God, he looked so good. He knew I'd never put my foot down on something like that.

"Fine" I said grumpily.

"The Rider charm wins again" he said, grinning like a Cheshire Cat.

I grinned back, tired.

"Not the Rider charm. The Rider puppy dog eyes" I teased.

He leaned in and kissed my neck, growling softly. I reached round and twiddled with the back of his hair.

There was a soft knock on the door and it swung open to reveal Yassen carrying a bouquet of lilies. That prick. John must have told him they were my favourite. Bastards, one and all. And John was always moaning about leaks in his line of work. Hypocrite!

"How is she doing?" he asked John quietly.

John pulled himself away from me and led Yassen into the corner to talk quietly.

I studied Yassen in that moment. He was wearing a black shirt, the top three buttons undone, black cargo pants and black boots. I trained down over him, to his feet. He was handsome. Very handsome. The way he had poise, it just increased his looks. I slowly moved my gaze up again and when I reached his face, I noticed he was smirking at me. Git.

He broke off talking to John and strolled over,

"How are you Helen?" he asked quietly as he leaned over to place the flowers on my bedside cabinet.

I smiled at him.

"Tired. Cranky. Frequently over emotional. Pregnant, I suppose" I said lightly.

John smiled at me and Yassen nodded seriously.

John ran a hand over his face and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Tired?" asked Yassen.

John nodded wearily.

"I haven't slept in 96 hours, so yes, I guess I am tired" he said.

Yassen smiled sympathetically. He must have been in a good mood.

"Why don't you go get some coffee? I'll stay and keep Helen company" he said quietly.

John looked over at me and I coudn't not nod. If I didn't, John would be suspicious. Suspicion went hand in hand with his job.

I nodded and John smiled, turning and leaving the room.

There was silence for a minute then Yassen padded stealthily over to me.

"You know, it kills me when I see you kiss him" he said quietly, sitting down on my bed.

I scowled.

"That night was a drunken mistake. The worst kind you can make. I don't love you Yassen" I said steadily.

He leaned in closer and my eyes were frozen on his lips. So hard but so soft.

"Really? Then why do I get the feeling that if I do this?", he said, reaching forward and pushing my fringe back, "You won't object?".

I shivered slightly, my eyes half closed. I felt his lips on mine and his tongue traced against the outline of my lips. I was about to open my mouth but I caught myself just in time.

"I'm pregnant Yassen. Pregnant. I'm married to your teacher. Does that mean absolutely nothing to you?" I said quietly.

"Not when you're having my baby", he whispered in my ear, his cool breath tickling me, "You know, at first I couldn't think why you'd have it. But now you are having it, I'm over the moon. I'm ecstatic. **We're **going to have a child together Helen. A piece of me and a piece of you. Two halves of the one whole. I thought about you, you know. Every single night when I was lying in my bed just resting, it was you running through my head. Your taste...your smell".

How on Earth did this man know how to push me like that?

"I'm hoping for a boy Helen. A son. If it is a boy, call him Alex. It's a nice name. And don't tell it about me. I just want to watch, not raise. I'm not exactly the nurturing type" he said quietly.

I didn't know what to say and he kept on talking.

"I never knew my father and look how I've turned out. A man the world loves to hate. But then again, I suppose our child would be better off without me. John will be a terrific father" he said quietly. I was barely able to hear him.

He leaned forward again and his lips brushed mine then he pulled away and sat back down, running his hand through his hair. He was about to say something when the door swung open and John strode in, hands in pockets.

"Machine wasn't working" he informed me with a smile. I smiled back and John came over, leaning in and kissing me gently. I felt his hand twirling my hair around and Yassen coughed loudly and conspicuously.

John pulled away, flushing, and I stroked his cheek.

The door opened again and the midwife came in, beaming. She was red cheeked with untidy blond hair and a matronly figure.

"Won't be long now...

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So what did you think???? Worth reviewing (hint hint, nudge, nudge) 


	3. Chapter 3

Okay everyone, I'm back updating all my stories. If this is the only one of mine you've read, please check out the others and review because I'm only really young still and I want an opinion on my writing that doesn't come from my sadistic, robotic English teacher who told me I couldn't write a two line jingle let alone a story.

So, anyway, aside from my ramblings, this story now has an official plan. In honour of this fact, I'm looking for an official beta-reader because I have two chapters planned that would both come next but are both completely different directions.

In case you're wondering, Helen and John **will**, regrettably, die in this fic. Also, I have a cool new idea that I think you, the readers, should get to decide. If you could vote in your reviews, it'd really be great.

Poll:

Should John find out, before his death, that Helen played away and Alex isn't his son?

A:Yes  
B:No

**Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I don't own the Alex Rider series. Well, I have the dog-eared, battered paper-backs but meh, I don't think anyone really cares...**

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Helen Rider sat on the playground bench, laughing as she watched her three year old son, Alex, toddle up the steps of the slide and wave frantically at her, grinning.

Helen waved back. She was happy. John was coming back tomorrow and Alex was just getting to the age where it would matter whether John was home or not. Sure, they were in regular contact with web-cams but it wasn't the same. Alex slid down the brightly coloured slide and rushed over to Helen, beaming.

"Did you see mum? Did you? I went really fast, didn't I mum?" Alex chirped, hugging Helen.

Helen kissed the top of his head. Just as she was about to answer she heard a slight movement behind her.

"Yes Alex, you did go very fast" came an icy voice. Helen whipped her head around and felt her heart quicken when she met the cold blue eyes of the man standing behind her.

Helen let go of Alex and he looked up at the stranger in interest, head tilted to one side.

"Alex, why don't you go on the monkey bars?" suggested Helen softly.

Alex grinned and took off toward the yellow monkey bars and Yassen jumped over the back of the bench, sitting down beside Helen.

Helen swallowed then looked at Yassen. She hadn't seen him since the day she'd given birth to Alex. She still remembered that astonishingly cute blush that flitted over his cheeks as he excused himself from the room, slightly disgusted by the process of birth. He was still just as good looking as that day. He'd hardly changed at all. Her eyes wandered over his face and then took in what he was wearing. It was a bizarre experience, seeing Yassen in jeans. Especially one's that looked so good... Helen snapped out of her little day dream and looked back up at his face where she saw a faint smile playing at his mouth. He looked over at Alex and his smile became whole.

"He's getting big" he commented airily.

Helen nodded and Yassen sat watching Alex for a minute.

"John's coming back tomorrow. We're going on holiday. To the South of France" Helen stated, trying to quietly hint that she wasn't confused about the feelings she had for Yassen.

He looked at her and nodded.

"I had heard. I missed you" he said quietly.

Helen stubbornly avoided his gaze, choosing instead to watch Alex try in vain to cling onto the first monkey bar. He fell on the ground and Helen's heart fluttered with concern until he got up and climbed determinedly back up and grabbing the first monkey bar again.

"This is the part where you're supposed to tell me you missed me too Helen" chimed Yassen.

Helen watched as Alex swung himself forward to the second monkey bar before answering.

"I don't tell lies" she said quietly, despite the fact that she had, very occasionally, thought of Yassen.

Yassen reached over and rubbed her cheek gently.

"Then why would you say that?" he said teasingly.

Helen looked back over at Alex who was valiantly swinging on to the third monkey bar. Yassen reached out and held her hand gently.

"Helen. Helen, look at me" he insisted. She shook her gaze from Alex and faced Yassen for the first time. He craned his neck forward gently and kissed her softly on the lips. Then he pulled back and smiled at her.

"I've been planning this for the last two years you know. I had a speech planned and everything but as soon as I saw you and Alex I couldn't think straight, let alone recite it" he said, smirking.

Helen felt herself being sucked into his world. A world where she could've skipped from good time to good time without a hangover in between. A world where gas bills and beans on toast just didn't feature. Where parties lasted days and life sparkled with glamour.

"It really was quite an impressive speech" Yassen said, stroking the tips of her fingers.

Helen nodded half heartedly and Yassen leaned forward kissing her gently on the cheek.

"What're you doing here Yassen?" she asked quietly. Couldn't he see he was tearing her in two? She loved John. She'd had Yassen's baby. John was her husband. Yassen had given her a son.

"I came to see you. And Alex. John sent me ahead of him to make sure you two were okay. Is it okay if I go talk to Alex? I just want a few minutes alone with him. I promise I won't say anything you don't want me to" he told Helen.

Helen nodded slightly and Yassen got to his feet. He jogged over to where Alex struggled stubbornly with the monkey bars. He held onto Alex's legs and lifted him across under the monkey bars and allowed Alex to scramble onto his shoulders.

Helen watched as Yassen pushed Alex on the swing and she felt a smile tugging at her lips. Yassen could surprise any time she saw him. He was cold and aloof at times, warm and cheerful at others. Now, watching him joking around with Alex it was hard to believe that this man was a contract killer.

Alex seemed a bit puzzled about who Yassen was. Helen got to her feet and brushed a few stray strands of hair behind her ears.

"Al, come on. It's time to go home" she called. Yassen scooped Alex up and jogged over to her, setting Alex down on his feet.

"Mum, mum, can Yassen stay for tea?" Alex asked, beaming.

Helen considered the idea. She couldn't say no, otherwise Alex would tell John and John would think it was rude.

"Please..." pleaded Alex.

"Alex, I'm not sure that's such a good idea" Yassen said slowly, staring into Helen's eyes, silently begging for her to allow him to stay.

Helen blushed slightly under the gaze and nodded at Alex.

"Of course love. Yassen's staying the night anyway" she said, "I'll fix up the spare bedroom when we get home" she added, not wanting to give Yassen ideas.

He grinned at her and Alex cheered. The three walked slowly from the playground, to all the world looking like your average run of the mill young family. They reached the house and Helen twiddled the key in the lock until the door finally opened and Alex shot inside, eager to show Yassen his new Game-boy.

Yassen, grinning at Helen, followed Alex into the living room where the Game boy lay on the table. Helen walked through to the kitchen where she took a packet of pasta and left it on the counter, putting a pan of water on the hob, waiting to boil.

She looked down the hall at the half closed door of the living room and smiled when Alex rushed upstairs, probably to get his various games from his room. Helen jumped slightly when she felt arms wrap around her waist. She felt lips on the back of her neck and she spun around to face Yassen, his arms still wrapped around her waist.

She felt her breathing quicken and her heart thump loudly as he leaned in a kissed her gently, opening her mouth and sharing a breath with her. Before she knew it, she felt herself running her hands through his short hair and enjoying the warmth of his mouth. He pulled back slowly and she heard him chuckle softly.

"Why Yassen? I haven't seen for three years then you just turn up and expect me to fall into your arms with gratitude after you haven't even sent a letter or a postcard. Nothing. Why are you doing this to me?" she blurted out. Yassen frowned and stroked her cheek softly until she pulled his hand away.

"Is it to wind me up Yassen?" she asked quietly, dreading his answer.

"What? You think I could be that callous?" he said disbelievingly. She stared into his eyes, those pale flickers of life and saw the hurt she'd caused him with her words. Helen shook her head slowly.

"I don't know Yassen. I don't know you" she admitted. She watched his face carefully and she could have sworn that his eyes softened.

"The get to know me" he said in almost a whisper, leaning in and kissing her on the cheek. She blinked and all thoughts of John and her marriage were wiped from her mind. Yassen cradled her in his arms, enveloping her and she breathed in. She felt warm and safe. She breathed in deeply again and noticed that Yassen smelled wonderful. She blushed to herself. It was a mixture of pine forest and fresh meadow that she adored. She felt Yassen nuzzle the top of her head and she snuggled into his neck.

"Am I still sleeping in the spare room?" Yassen asked teasingly.

Helen frowned.

"You'll always be sleeping in the guest room" she informed him.

He chuckled and tilted her chin up gently.

He kissed her once then they heard a thumping on the stairs and they broke apart, Alex running in two seconds later, and pulling Yassen back into the living room, eager to show off his new toy.

Helen poured the pasta into the pot of bubbling water and it wasn't long until they'd all eaten. She had left the dishes in the dishwasher and all three sat inside the living room, on the sofa, Alex leaning on Yassen's shoulder, half asleep.

"I'll put him to bed" Helen announced, getting to her feet and scooping up her exhausted son. Alex protested unintelligibly until she had changed him into his pyjamas and he was lying in bed. Helen kissed him on the forehead, switched off the light and gently closed the door, quietly making her way back downstairs.

Yassen was sitting on the sofa, wide awake. Helen rubbed her eyes sleepily and then a thought struck her.

"Oh no! I better go set up the spare room" she said, starting to make her way from the room.

Yassen coughed and she looked over at him. He patted the sofa cushion beside him and grinned.

"I'll be fine. I probably won't sleep tonight anyway" he said.

Helen sat down beside him and he wrapped his arm around her shoulder.

"Alex is an intelligent child" Yassen said quietly.

Helen looked up at him and wondered what life would be like with him. Entertaining, there was no doubt about that. But they weren't exactly the most compatible people she knew.

She stifled a yawn and Yassen smiled.

"Tired?" he asked softly, brushing Helen's hair out of her eyes.

He took the murmur that replied as an affirmative signal.

"I'll bring you up to your bed" he said, lifting her as carefully as possible and carrying her gently up the stairs to the bedroom he knew from last time belonged to her. He lay her down on the bed softly and she stirred from her half sleep.

"Yassen? Where are you going to sleep?" she asked, concerned. She watched him smirk and realised she'd never seen him smile so much ever before.

"I don't see why I can't sleep here" he said lightly.

Helen frowned. She didn't want to go into the fact that it wasn't him she distrusted, it was herself.

Helen rolled over onto her other shoulder, intending for him to leave. Instead, she heard him pull off his shirt and jeans and clamber in behind her, her back against his chest.

"You shouldn't be here you know" she said quietly.

"And yet I am" he said in an amused tone. He wrapped his arms around her and she sighed loudly.

He nuzzled into her neck and lay still, completely content to just lie beside her. Helen breathed out lightly and Yassen carefully cradled her, marvelling at the way she fitted against him.

"Bastard" mumbled Helen sleepily.

Yassen smiled, chuckling gently in her ear.

"Don't I know it" he said, grinning. Helen smiled back and made a slight noise of amusement then settled down. Yassen inhaled once, taking in her smell and then closed his eyes. He felt that for the first time in weeks, he'd be able to sleep.

* * *

Helen woke up first in the morning and moved to roll out of bed. Yassen grunted and pulled her back up against him.

Helen smiled and gently unwrapped his hands from around her waist, clambering out of the bed. Yassen sighed, missing her warmth already.

"Get out of bed!" she said indignantly. Yassen rolled over and pulled the blanket over his head. It wasn't often he felt like sleeping in but when those days came, he almost always obeyed his primal urge to sleep.

"Yassen, get your lazy arse out of bed before Alex comes in! We have to go pick up John from the airport!" Helen said, grinning. She couldn't help but think that Yassen looked incredibly cute wrapped up in blankets like a marshmallow man.

Yassen grunted and Helen grabbed the blanket, tugging it away from Yassen. Yassen rolled out of bed, wiping his eyes blearily.

"I can't believe you just woke up an assassin. Do you know how dangerous that is?" he said.

Helen shrugged.

Yassen finished waking up and smiled at Helen. Then, with no warning whatsoever, he rushed forward and slung her over his shoulder, ignoring her indignant shouts. He jogged downstairs with her and spun around in the living room, tossing her onto the sofa and jumping on top of her. Helen stopped squirming and looked up at him. Their eyes met and Yassen was about to lean in to kiss her when they heard a bump as Alex jumped out of bed.

Yassen groaned in his head and got to his feet, walking out to the kitchen. Helen supposed he was fixing himself breakfast. Alex appeared in the doorway of the living room and bounced over to his mum, eager to see what was in store for the day. He knew they had to go pick up a man called dad from the airport but that was it.

Helen grabbed Alex in a hug and kissed the top of his head, stroking his hair in a dreamy manner. She heard Yassen move back upstairs and then down again, this time fully dressed and awake.

"What time is John's flight getting in at?" asked Yassen, running a hand through his hair.

Helen thought hard.

"Um...10:10" she said finally.

The edges Yassen's mouth curled in amusement.

"Really? Because it's five to ten now" he informed.

Helen jumped up, setting Alex on his feet with a thump and sprinted up the stairs, throwing off her clothes and jumping in the shower. She ran a sponge under her arms and squirted shampoo in her hair, rinsing it out two seconds later. She rinsed herself off and jumped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around her body and rushing into her room.

She partially dried her hair and pulled on a white blouse, brown skirt and brown high heeled shoes, praying she looked good. She ran a brush through her hair and then made her way back downstairs as fast as the high heels would allow. She hurried outside and was relieved to see that Yassen was waiting, leaning on his car with Alex buckled in, grinning in the back seat. Yassen opened the driver's door and slid into the seat of the sleek red Lamborghini.

Helen slid into the passenger's seat and a second later Yassen had pulled out of the drive and sped through the modern housing estate, turning a few heads.

Helen dug her fingers into the leather of her seat, absolutely terrified. Yassen drove as though he were in a movie chase, doing over MPH on a MPH stretch.

Alex whooped and laughed in the back seat and Helen closed her eyes, breathing deeply. Yassen tailgated through the airport car park barrier then pulled on the handbrake and skidded to a stop in the most terrifying manner possible.

Helen took a deep breath and opened her car door. Alex scrambled out of the car and rushed around to where Yassen was getting out of the car.

"Wow, your car goes really really fast, doesn't it mum?" he said, grinning. Yassen scooped Alex onto his shoulders and looked over at Helen, smirking.

She ignored him and hurried across the car park toward the airport entrance. Yassen followed, bouncing Alex about and Helen entered the bustling airport.

She took another deep breath and surveyed her surroundings. There were people everywhere, checking in or dawdling or just standing around. Helen rounded the Sunglass Hut to the gate she knew John was coming through and stood at the barrier, marvelling that she was actually early.

Yassen popped Alex back on the ground and he grinned up at Helen.

"Mum, is this where dad's coming out?" asked Alex, head tilted to one side.

Helen nodded. She really was glad John was coming back. Alex had never seen John before, only pictures or web-cam videos. She watched her son with pride as he watched the gate expectantly.

The door slid open automatically and Helen's heart caught in her throat. John strode out, a laptop bag over his shoulder, dragging a luggage case behind him. He was absolutely breath-taking. He had a gorgeous tan and he'd grown a slight stubble that she thought looked epically good on him.

John looked around slowly and as soon as he met Helen's eyes he beamed. He started making his way over to her then broke out into a run. Before Helen knew it, she was running toward him as well.

He dropped his laptop bag and let go of his luggage case. When Helen reached him, he swept her off her feet and kissed her passionately like something from a movie. Helen wrapped her arms around his powerful shoulders and grinned. John broke the kiss for air and set Helen back on her feet. He wrapped an arm around her waist and Helen suddenly became aware of the fact that he was wearing a suit that cost four digit and she was wearing a Marks & Spencer's skirt she'd bought last year. She blushed and he kissed her on the forehead.

Helen smiled at him then looked over at where Alex and Yassen stood. She was sure that just for a split second, Yassen's eyes clouded over with jealousy and longing. John whispered something in her ear and she broke out of her trance, looking at John and smiling.

"I love you so much Helen. I missed you baby" he said, pecking her on the cheek.

Helen smiled at him and then looked over at Alex.

John followed her gaze and he grinned.

"He's getting big" he commented airily.

Helen nodded and John made his way over to Alex, oblivious to the other people coming through the gate.

Alex stared up at the man before him, confused.

"Dad?" he said quietly.

John grinned and lifted up Alex, holding him proudly. Helen smiled and before she knew it, tears leaked from her eyes. She watched as John shook hands with Yassen, smiling, and told him the latest things he'd heard or seen or done.

Helen blinked her tears away.

John looked over at her and grinned.

"I got the flight moved up to tomorrow. I couldn't't wait. You looking forward to it?" he said, grinning at his beautiful wife.

Helen nodded, smiling. She thought to herself that it would be an absolutely perfect holiday. She could never know how wrong she was...

* * *

Du-duh-du-duh-duduhduduhduhdunnnnn.

In case you're wondering, that's the Jaws music...


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Alex Rider series.**

**Snakehead plot spoiler in this chappie.**

**Thank you to my wonderful beta Anonymous-chic because, let's face it, a good beta is hard to find. **

* * *

I held John's hand as we walked slowly up the stairs to the plane. We walked through the hustle and bustle of the other passengers to the back where we had the private section all to ourselves.

It was lovely, it really was, air conditioned, mini bar included and the comfiest looking chairs I'd ever seen. I plopped down beside the window while John gently slid our luggage into the overhead storage, sitting down beside me and taking my hand in both of his.

"What if-" I began, about to blurt out another one of the stupid worries I had about leaving Alex behind.

"He'll be fine Helen. Besides, he'll see you tomorrow evening when he flies out" John assured me, kissing my cheek.

I frowned.

"What do you mean, 'he'll see **you** tomorrow'? He's going to miss you too" I said, carefully avoiding the words 'After all, you're his father'.

John stared at me shrewdly and I kept my face worried. I didn't have to fake. God, he's so clever I think he knows already.

"Helen, let's not kid ourselves. He doesn't even know who I am. All he knows is that he's supposed to call me 'dad' and listen when I tell him off" John said, trying to be brave. I could sense a note of hurt in him though.

I rubbed his hand gently. I would have paid a million pounds to see his thoughts.

"Ash sends his love by the way. Told me to tell you he's going through cold turkey for the chicken and ham pie you used to make for him" John said, smirking, trying to change the subject.

Ash and John were very close. When we first married, I used to be jealous of Ash. John would go and play squash with him and come back, exhausted, telling me all about what Ash said and what Ash was doing. They were like an old, married couple.

"I'll give you one to bring to him next time you see him" I promised, kissing John's cheek. John smiled sweetly at me and raised his eyebrows.

"You know, we have an entire night to ourselves before Alex arrives..." he said, grinning suggestively. He wasn't usually such a slut. I grinned at the change and kissed him softly, pulling away again quickly.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I have plans with my secret husband" I said flippantly, pulling my hair back and putting in a scrunchie. I pushed my hair back out of my eyes and John grabbed me around the waist, pulling me onto his lap and kissing me quickly.

"I love you, Hel. I love you more than air" he said, kissing me again.

I arched an eyebrow.

"Really? And this would have nothing at all to do with the fact that you've been starved of s-"

He silenced me with a kiss, grinning.

"Cheeky. But seriously Helen, I do. You make me so happy with just a look" he said, stroking my cheek.

I took his hand and kissed it, feeling ashamed and filthy inside. I didn't deserve John. He was too good for me.

John tilted my chin up with one finger and kissed me gently, opening our mouths, his breath filling mine. He sucked gently on my bottom lip and I played with the back of his hair gently, teasing it between my fingers. John wrapped his arms around my waist and ran his tongue along the inside of my mouth. I shivered slightly and pulled back, kissing his forehead and slipping into my seat.

John growled softly and I rolled my eyes. Typical. All men thought women found them irresistable. Then again, John did look so good...

The air hostess came through and smiled at us.

"Sir, Madam, if you could just fasten your seat belts, the plane is going to coast onto the runway now" she chimed. John and I smiled back and I pulled out my seat belt, fastening it carefully.

John looked at me and beamed.

"Isn't this wonderful? Just think, tomorrow morning we'll be waking up to the Med and tropical temperatures" he said, kissing me once and buckling his seat belt. It was then, as the plane turned onto the runway that we both heard it. A ticking.

John unfastened his belt and jumped to his feet, the air hostess instantly blocking his way.

"Sir, please remain seated" she chimed.

"There's a bomb on the plane! Stop the plane and get everyone off!" he ordered.

"There's a bomb on the bleedin' plane?! EVERYONE OUT! BOMB ON THE PLANE!" squawked the hostess loudly. The staff rushed for the door and John took my hand, lifting me to my feet.

"The doors shut! Manual over-ride!" yelled someone.

John kicked the window violently, trying to break it.

"Hey Mister, it's bulletproof. Unbreakable!" someone called back to John who gave out an angry grunt.

I rubbed his shoulder and he took my hand, leading me into the mens toilet. He pulled and kicked the toilet then the sink, trying in vain to clear some way to get out. Then, he wrapped his arms around me and whispered quietly in my ear.

"Don't worry Helen, it'll be fine. It's probably just Ash or Ian trying to play a prank" he said. I didn't believe a word of it and neither did he. And I loved him for telling me bittersweet lies. Not like my lies. My deceiving, betraying lies.

"John, I love you. I love you so much. And-and I-I it hurts me anytime I think of it but I- Yassen and I slept together" I told him fearfully.

I watched, expecting a rare outburst of anger or yelling or something. But John did what I least expected, a thing I'd never seen him do. He cried. Tears rolled down his nose as he sunk to his knees, his arms still wrapped around my waist. I rubbed his hair and then knelt in front of him, kissing his cheek.

"I love you. I thought you were mine" he said miserably, trying in vain to stop the tears that rolled on.

Then I started crying. A punch, hateful words, I could handle those. But this. It hurt the most.

"I am yours John. I love you. I love you" I whispered.

He kissed me desperately, a kiss filled with longing and need and want. I ran a hand through his hair and he slowly backed me against the wall, pulling both of us to our feet, his tears mixing with mine.

He pulled back, ignoring the screaming outside, and stared deeply into my eyes.

"I will always love you" he told me, kissing me again.

I moaned softly.

"John, I'm yours. I married you. I love you. I adore you. I will always love you" I told him, planting another kiss on his lip. I took his hand in mine and noticed the slight tremble in it. Then, the screaming stopped, replaced by the roar of fire. My eyes met John's and we leaned in. My lips met his and he hugged me tightly. Then the rush enveloped us. Searing heat. A loud bang. Hitting the floor hard. Unable to move, unable to let go of John's hand, not that I wanted to. I never wanted the feeling of his arms around me to end.

I heard footsteps slapping the ground. The noise of water. Smoke and steam rushed about until the hose was sprayed at the flames near us, and then I could see directly across tho the viewing room where I swore I could see Ash standing, arms folded, staring out directly at me. And I knew. The look on his face told me. Him. This was his doing. I groaned softly and rolled over, John breathing labouriously beside me now, arms holding me to him with his last bit of strength.

"Ash" I muttered hoarsely, my throat stinging badly.

John squeezed me tightly.

"Let's leave t-together Helen Beckett Rider. With all the d-dignity we can" he said, the speech causing him agonizing pain. And there, with my husband's arms around me, I closed my eyes tightly, ready to sleep. To lie in. For good. To love my darling John always...

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	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Alex Rider series.**

**Once again, props where props are deserved. Thank you to my brilliant beta Anonymous-chic.**

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I sat on the sofa of my hotel room, staring at the blank television screen. I'd been in the same position for the last four hours, thinking of nothing. For the first time in my life, it had all stopped. There was no tide of pressure being placed on me, the kind I felt in the middle of a job.

Helen. My Helen. John's Helen. Alex's Helen. Helen. So beautiful. So good. So funny, clever, and charming. She was just as persuasive as Rothman, in a kinder way that made me love her all the more. She was so pure.

I reached subconsciously out for her, my hands meeting the air with cold frustration.

I could still remember lying beside her the day before yesterday. Her touch, soft and feathery. Her voice, clear and beautiful. Her smell, clean and warm; just like her personality.

I got to my feet, ignoring the spasms of pain in my leg muscles, and made my way over to the mini bar, pulling out a large bottle of vodka and sitting back down on the sofa.

I pulled the top off, using my teeth, and took a swig, the foul drink stinging the back of my throat. That was what I had to avoid. Hurt. Feeling. Emotion. Drink would do that for the night.

I took another swig, and another, and then another still, the gulps getting longer and more frequent. I could feel tears running down my cheeks, tears of hurt and pain and sorrow.

I went to take another swig and nothing but a few drops trickled out.

I hauled myself onto my feet and stumbled back over to the mini bar, pulling out a second bottle of vodka and walking unsteadily into my room again pulling the cap with my teeth and guzzling greedily this time, eager for the numbness the drink would give me.

I ran through the second bottle quicker than the first and after throwing it in the general direction of the bin, I lay down on my bed, goal accomplished. I could feel nothing. And I found the feeling quite to my liking. In fact, I could live my life like this. Become removed from myself. Freeze others out. And not with drink. I could do it quite easily if I wanted to. And I did. I wanted nothing more than for that numbness to stay with me for the rest of my life.

Well, actually, I wanted Helen more, but she was gone now, like John. I'd miss John. He was a good teacher and an even better friend. But I didn't want to think of them tonight.

I wanted to think of nothing, to be free for once.

I lay back on my bed, a double bed that felt so empty without her. I closed my eyes, hoping for a dreamless sleep and then I was gone completely. At first, I could see nothing, but then, then she came back, my Helen. She was standing in front of me, a scowl painted on her face.

"What's wrong?" I asked her, my voice light and happy.

She frowned at me.

"You're so selfish Yassen. Here you are in a three star hotel in Ealing while our son is staying in some bloody Child Care Home, alone and confused with no explanation about where his mum and dad have gone and why they haven't taken him too!" she said, pushing her hair out of her eyes.

I looked down at my feet, ashamed. She was the only one who could make me ashamed, the only one.

"I'm sorry," I said, my voice truly apologetic.

I looked at her and her eyes softened. She smiled tenderly at me.

"Yassen, you don't have to say sorry. I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I love you. Just please, help Alex. He's your son. He doesn't even know John. Take him with you. To Russia, to France, to Germany anywhere just look after our son, please" she said gently.

"But MI6 will have a plan for him. Ian will be picking him up tomorrow. They would never let me take him with me," I said, voicing my doubts.

"Yassen, they have no say in other countries. Go somewhere where the two of you will be safe. Somewhere they can't touch you. Vanish, Yassen. Tell the care workers you're Ian, they'll believe you if you rush. Or just take Alex. I saw how much he loved you," she said quietly, smiling at me.

"I didn't want you to die!" I said, my voice breaking and tears rolling from my eyes, my numbness disappearing.

"I know Yassen. I know. Don't cry, it'll be alright. I'll wait for you," she said softly.

I leaned forward and kissed her gently. I could feel her lips on mine and I closed my eyes. I opened them again and blinked. I was back in bed.

I rolled over on my side, my head throbbing and looked at the bedside clock. It was only four in the morning.

I got up from bed and walked into the shower, turning the water on as hot and strong as possible, relishing the feeling of it pelting against me.

I got out five minutes later and pulled on a fresh pair of jeans, these ones ripped and a black shirt. I didn't bother with shaving, brushed my teeth then picked up my jacket and hurried from the room, my plan of action decided on. I would go and get Alex, get SCORPIA to fly us out to my home in Russia by helicopter. They owed me that much.

I checked out speedily and went down to the underground car-park, driving my car up to the surface and going as fast as the speed limit would allow, determined to get to the Child Care Home before Ian. There was only one that MI6 used in London anyway, one I knew very well having once kidnapped the orphaned daughter of the Polish ambassador.

I gunned the engine, grateful for the lack of traffic on the roads. I skidded round a corner and smirked. I was very close to the home; it was just around the corner, in fact.

I pulled over and took out my mobile phone, dialing the number I knew well from last time, hoping someone would answer.

"'Ello, Waterside Children's 'ome, Mark speaking. 'Ow can I be of assistance?" came a tired, disgruntled voice. Obviously he'd been sleeping on the job.

"Hello, this is Ian Rider. I'm supposed to be picking up my nephew, Alex, later on but I'm afraid something's come up and I'm going to have to pick him up in the next ten minutes. I don't have a lot of time, I have a flight to catch so I was wondering if you'd have him dressed and waiting at the gates with two adults looking after him. I'll be five minutes, tops," I said, not expecting him to agree but trying anyway.

"What? Yeah, sure" he said, hanging up.

I smiled slightly, not expecting it to be this easy. I'd have Alex in no time. I tilted my head back against the seat and pinched the bridge of my nose. I'd lie low in London for a few days, they wouldn't expect me to stay in England, and then I'd get the ferry over to Dublin, Ireland, and wait in the SCORPIA safe house until it was time to fly to mainland Europe. Then I'd get a chopper to my home in Russia, a manor, twenty miles from the nearest town.

I sat forward and pulled my Gloch out from under my car seat, quietly opening the door and slipping out. I peered around the corner and smiled. I could make out the shape of a child between two bigger shapes, adults.

I pulled out a silencer and screwed it onto my gun, carefully sticking to the shadow as I moved around the corner and I fired. I smiled again as soon as I hear two dull thuds and the shapes dropped to the ground.

I stealthily moved down the path and frowned. Something wasn't right. Why wasn't Alex yelling, crying, running back inside? I moved forward and looked down at Alex. He was a dummy. They must have figured out I wasn't Ian. I was about to move on, determined to get to Alex, when the soldiers got back on their feet. Bulletproof vests. Why hadn't I anticipated this?

I reached forward and grabbed one of them by the neck, twisting viciously. I heard it crack loudly and he fell to the floor, dead.

The other one stared at me, eyes petrified.

"What's your name?" I asked softly.

"D-D-David," he replied.

I turned to head up the drive and heard the click of a safety being removed. I spun around and grabbed David by the wrist, pulling. He gave a yelp of pain as his arm broke in three places.

"The Queen doesn't want any heroes tonight David. You can let me past into that building to reclaim what's mine or you can try and fight me, a fight you will lose," I said quietly.

David blinked once and nodded miserably.

"Shoot me. I won't be called a traitor," he said softly.

I sighed and pointed my gun at his face. Surprisingly, he did not flinch. I pulled the trigger and watched him sink to floor, convulsing in terror. It was lucky for him I'd flipped the safety.

He lay on the ground and looked up at me, swiftly fainting. I smirked to myself and walked up the path, safety off on my gun, ready for more soldiers. I looked around and noticed a pipe running up the side of the building. I grabbed onto it and slowly, inch by inch, lifting myself up the pipe. I reached a window and judged I was on the first floor.

I gritted my teeth and continued lifting myself up the pipe when I heard a nasty creaking. The metal was going to give.

Frowning, I moved faster and faster. Just as the pipe peeled away from the wall, screws whining in protest, I jumped, my fingers gripping onto the second floor window I'd been aiming for. I pulled myself up slightly and looked in the window. I could make out four soldiers in the room. MI6 really wanted Alex.

I dropped my head below the sill again and grunted softly, swinging myself up, violently crashing through the window and to the floor of the room. I fired four times, taking out all four.

I rolled to my feet and moved quickly from the room onto a corridor. It wasn't long. I kicked in the door on my left and found a store room. The one on my right a bathroom and my eyes rested one the door beside it.

I quickly lifted my foot and kicked it in, expecting shouts and gunfire. The room was empty. It was a trick!

I hurried down the stairs to the ground floor listening closely. All the children had been hidden somewhere. I looked around carefully, running my hands over the wall, listening when I stepped. I had only a few more minutes before MI6 sent someone in.

Then I heard it. The tell tale creak of hinges. Under my feet. I stared down at the crimson rug then walked off it, lifting it up and smirking slightly.

A trapdoor. I grabbed the heavy brass handle and tugged, lifting it up and swinging it fully open. I was greeted by eyes. Large, fearful eyes. Children were packed down there. A few adults were scattered amongst them but for the most part, children.

I wondered how I was going to find Alex.

"I'm looking for Alex Rider," I said quietly. I heard a quiet murmur run through the children and then heard a small gasp.

"Yassen!" called one of them quietly. Alex scrambled up out of the bunker-esque structure and I lifted him up by the waist. He wrapped his arms around the back of my neck and I frowned slightly, not that Alex could see.

Suddenly, uplighters shone through the window, nearly blinding me.

"Yassen, put the boy down and come out with your hands up!" called a voice through a megaphone, "We have you surrounded!".

Alex buried his head in my shoulder and I looked down at him.

"Alex, now's not the best time. I'm going to take you out of here, back to my car, and then we can talk, alright?" I said.

Alex nodded and I stared down at the other children, scanning them until I came across an adult.

"You," I said quietly, pointing at him, "Get up here".

He frowned slightly and pulled himself up and out. I grabbed him with my free arm and used him as a human shield, propelling him out the door.

"Don't shoot! For the love of god don't shoot!" he called. I pushed him in front of me and out the gate.

I came face to face with Alan Blunt.

"Yassen, let the boy go and we'll allow you to just walk away," he said quietly.

I shook my head and tensed. I pushed the human shield at Blunt and ran full pelt around the corner, jumping into my car, tossing Alex roughly onto the passenger seat. I gunned the engine and swerved around and headed the wrong way down a one way street, soldiers running after me trying to shoot out the tires.

I slid around a corner, the gearstick throbbing as I put it into sixth. I turned off into a shorter alley, sirens wailing behind me, much too close for comfort. I heard screeching as the wall scraped off the car doors and ignored it, pushing my foot down harder on the accelerator.

As I reached the end of the alley, a police car slid out blocking the way and I swerved wildly, scraping past, the car bumping me. I looked in the rear view mirror and frowned. They had a man leaning out the window loading his gun. They were going to try and shoot the tyres.

I looked at Alex, trying to calculate, and he stared back at me, clinging to his seat, terrified. Then, quite suddenly, I pulled the handbrake stopping abruptly, the other car smashing into mine. I had jolted them hard enough to gain a few seconds as I screeched away, startling a taxi driver who happened to be pulling out.

Houses and streets passed by in a blur, too quickly for me to do anything but avoid crashing into a wall.

Alex whimpered loudly and I frowned, taking my eyes of the road for a second to look at him.

"Alex, don't cry" I said, swerving dangerously to avoid a traffic island.

Alex sniffed loudly.

"Where're we going? Why'd you pick me up? I'm going to live with m'uncle" Alex mumbled, sleep betraying itself in his voice. I smirked slightly. In the middle of a knuckle biting chase he was still tired.

"I don't have time to explain. Now keep quiet while I'm driving little Alex, I need to concentrate" I told him. I turned my gaze back to the road, swinging a dangerous left and nearly losing control of the car.

I could still hear sirens but more distantly now. No doubt a helicopter was overhead trying to pick me up on the road. I saw a large sign advertising a shopping centre car park with spaces and I swerved into it, crashing through the barrier. Luckily, the security guard slept on, untroubled.

Alex cried loudly having bashed his head off the door and I ignored him, choosing instead to drive 120mph up a level of the over ground car park, skidding to a stop and pulling Alex from the car. I carried him as I sprinted down the stairs, jumping from landing to landing.

I reached the bottom and pushed through the doors, running into the 24hour Asda, sprinting through the menswear, past the groceries and pelting out the door, ignoring the strange looks I received.

I hurried down the rain soaked street and turned into an alley I recognized. I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding and thanked the layout of London. I was right outside the house of a man I'd been considering going to.

I looked up and down the street and then kicked open the door, walking in silently, Alex now whimpering softly. I walked slowly up the stairs and kicked open the door of the flat I was sure belonged to James.

Sure enough, he stood making a cup of coffee. As soon as he heard his door being kicked in he looked over at me, terrified.

"Yassen, I swear, I didn't know that the house had been renovated when I passed you the plan!" he babbled.

I scowled, remembering the job that he'd nearly ruined for me.

"James, I just need a place to stay for a few days. And the boy is staying with me as well" I told him coldly.

James nodded, blushing.

Alex squirmed in my arms and I set him down. He stared around the flat with a slight look of distaste on his face taking in the walls blackened with damp, the television that's screen had shattered and the mangy brown sofa that looked as though a dog had been chewing it for the last eight years. I trained my gaze around as well, remembering my last stay here.

There were two bedrooms, one facing East the other facing West, the doors on opposite sides of the living room/kitchen. The kitchen was filthy, rusting from lack of use. Takeaway pizza boxes lay scattered around the flat. If my memory served me right, both bedrooms were disgustingly smelly, filthy and infested with cockroaches. The bathroom. Where would I begin to describe it? Brown stains ran all over the walls. A steel bathtub stood inside, rusting and broken, the water having been switched off long ago. I noticed James had used bottled water to make his coffee. The toilet stank even from where I stood and I knew from past experience that the sink was populated by empty bottles of alcohol and used syringes.

Alex walked over to me and indicated for me to bend down. I crouched till I was at his eye level and he whispered in my ear.

"Yassen, I don't like it, it smells funny," he said quietly.

I nodded seriously and looked at James who was wearing that idiotic lopsided grin of his.

Alex turned around and stared at James, who in turn stared back at Alex. Then, with no warning whatsoever, James jumped forward, picking Alex up and slinging him over his shoulder, tossing him up and down in the air. Alex yelped and shrieked with laughter and I frowned, a headache coming on.

What had I gotten myself into?

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**  
Okay guys, that was fun, wasn't it? Any chance of a review????**


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